either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
