White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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