Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
