is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There r osticjed everywhere
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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