I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
