Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The best revenge is premature balding
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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