Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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