he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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