i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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