my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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