for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
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