i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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