he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's shark week go big or go home
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
