I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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