Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
