i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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