Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
