Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I want to be your penis for a week.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
