Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
