its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
