my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
