wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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