the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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