Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
