OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
