I want to stick my p in your. b.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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