I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Text me some of your sweat
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