Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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