i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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