That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
