We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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