So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Randomize
