if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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