Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
