She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
