I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize