I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I will be naked everywhere
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
