I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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