When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
