you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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