mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The air was thick with penises
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
