the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
