Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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