Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
