if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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