I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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