As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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