I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
