I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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