I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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