So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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