I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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