I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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