Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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