omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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