omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
