where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize