he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
