Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
