The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
