i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
