About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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