ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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