im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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