i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
not ubering you a puppy
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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