Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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